DELETE: In my opinion, it is a fact that…For all intents and purposes…more or less…As a matter of fact…It seems that…What I mean to say is that…
DELETE/CHANGE: Change “Beyond the shadow of a doubt, by virtue of the fact that” to “Because;” change “Due to the fact that” to “Because;” change “large amount” to “lot;” change “on a daily basis” to “daily;” delete the last sentence.
SUGGESTED REVISION OF PARAGRAPH: In addition to studying the letters of historical figures for use in biographies, researchers are studying the letters of ordinary people written to relatives and friends in order to gain insight into customs. Researchers believe these letters can provide a frank perspective on the circumstances of historical events and on what we all share.
DELETE/CHANGE: Delete “up many ideas about how to create connection between” and change to “about connecting;” delete “of the many;” change “ideas” to “idea;” delete “a multitude of;” change “late in the” to “the late;” delete “to work;” change “which would implement a solution to the aforementioned problem” to “solving the problem;” delete everything after “However” and insert “it wouldn’t be easy.”
SUGGESTED PARAGRAPH REWRITE: Danish scientists have created a new type of solar cell made out of plastic. Evidence suggests that the cell lasts longer than previous versions, which means the cell could pave the way for cheaper solar power. However, critics claim scientists need to make the cell more efficient before consumers will adopt it.
SUGGESTED PARAGRAPH REWRITE: People have been attracted to pearls ever since divers first raised them from the ocean floor. Mollusks produce pearls. When a piece of dirt infests a mollusk, they produce calcium carbonate to form the pearl. Mussels, clams, and oysters can all produce pearls, which divers harvest.
SUGGESTED PARAGRAPH REWRITE: In the early 1900s, visual artists from all over the world conceptualized a new art form. The art represented the energy and complexity of the new century. The artists sought to transcend realistic representations and elevate the viewer’s senses. Their belief was that visual artists could aspire to the model that music offered. Their work was called “visual music.”
1. “Scarlet’s heroism cost her dearly.” 2. Scarlet’s heroism/the main point of the paragraph. 3. Putting the main point in a staccato sentence in the midst of longer sentences makes the main point stand out, and, thus, makes it clearer.
1. One of the most horrible storms that attacked the East Coast was the blizzard of 1978. 2. That the storm was coming most of the population did not suspect. 3. That the storm was not going to be severe assumed those who did know about it. 4. For three days raged the storm, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. 5. Left stranded without power or heat were many people.
1. In the dramatic climax of Jaws, after the long hunted shark had decimated their boat and killed the captain with human-like vengeance, Speilberg causes the shark to explode. 2. Partial to his own version in the original novel and disillusioned with the Hollywood film-making process which must condense long novels to 90 minute films, author Peter Benchley disagreed with this change. 3. But with the added suspense and visual spectacle of an explosion and raining shark parts, Speilberg felt that the change made the film more dramatic and more powerful. 4. Because he wanted watching the movie to be an event, one the audience would not soon forget, one that would cause the public to line up around theaters to wait for a seat, the director wanted audiences to be on their feet cheering at the shark’s demise. 5. After seeing the film himself and witnessing the audiences’ reaction–and after seeing the box office returns of the runaway hit–Benchley ultimately conceded that the change did make for an exciting scene.
1. As Hobbes once remarked, life is nasty, brutish, and short. 2. The blogging phenomenon has been characterized as frivolous, serious, important, and world-changing. 3. The boss berated the plan as being unnecessary, irrelevant, and wasteful.
SUGGESTED PARAGRAPH REVISION: Many people argue that schools should stay open all year. Why continue a tradition that dates back to our agricultural past when most students no longer work on farms? The long gap decreases students’ ability of retain information. Of course, students have strong reactions to this: they don’t want their vacation taken away! Could summer vacation disappear in our lifetime? Voice your opinion on this issue.